Why we must teach little boys to fail
“Dugan, you’re out!” I announced as boys dropped like flies in our soccer knockout game.
“No!” my son shouted, spiking his ball into the ground. “Stop it, Mom!” And then he shoved me.
I was shocked, but not as much as he was. Dugan looked up at me, startled, his brown eyes the size of saucers. Then he burst into tears. My sweet boy is at that critical juncture of learning to process rejection and failure, or expecting gratification, no matter the cost.
The seeds of male aggression
As a mom, my reaction to Dugan’s outburst was critical. I took him by the arm and gave him the dreaded close talk. “We do not shove people, especially women. You and I are going to talk in the car.”
But as a woman, I was torn apart inside. Having lived through an abusive relationship in my early 20s, I’ve always been open with my kids about how hurtful our actions can be and why it’s never acceptable to freak out, verbally or physically, over failure or rejection. Feel the feelings, but don’t punish others in return.
From birth, my son has been a loving, gentle boy. Sure, he likes to wrestle and run with his friends, but he’s always been soft-hearted and caring with his sister and me.
That is, until this year. He’s about to turn 9, and it’s as if some internal switch was flipped: my sweet boy is showing signs of aggression and anger for which I wasn’t prepared.
Responding responsibly
That day at practice, I had flashes of feeling small, vulnerable, and afraid. Then I got angry. No one has the right to make someone else feel that way, even a little boy.
But rather than yell or fight, I had him sit out the remainder of practice. I calmed down, and we had a heart-to-heart on the way home. It’s delicate with boys. The knee-jerk responses of “man up” and “don’t cry” are exactly the opposite of what they need to hear.
Boys need to know that feeling makes us human. It’s not only OK – it’s normal. With my son, I hug him daily and compliment his kindness along with how fast he can run and how well he did on his math test.
Final thoughts
Aggression is not necessarily a trait boys are born with. It’s often learned, and it’s ugly. It’s one of the many reasons more boys die by suicide than girls. It’s the reason why men, not women, shoot up schools in response to bullying or unrequited love.
We must teach our boys to be good people, not just tough men. Processing feelings and reacting appropriately won’t make our boys less “manly.” It will make them decent human beings.